


no I don't want any other, don't care how much I have to suffer

by lostinthesounds



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Angst, Bellarke, F/M, One Shot, an alternate scene to bellamy finding out about josie, bellamy loves clarke obviously, echo doesn't exist pls leave me alone, my brand is in angst incase you haven't noticed, set during 6x05 of the 100
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-12
Updated: 2020-02-12
Packaged: 2021-02-28 06:55:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,599
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22669660
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lostinthesounds/pseuds/lostinthesounds
Summary: "You were just telling me that you loved me, Bellamy." She argued with a muffled voice, struggling a little to adjust her mouth so he could hear what she had to say.That damned smile again.He felt like he was drowning under water, because he didn't want to listen to what she had to say and he lets himself focus on the way her eyes sparkled in dim light.Bellamy shivered, "I never got to tell you that I've loved you, so you're wrong." He shook his head in defeat, his muscles aching to release the woman that looks like Clarke because he shouldn't be doing this. He shouldn't want to hurt her, but in reality, this woman wasn't Clarke. "You'rewrong." He repeats again, becoming more furious with how he never seemed to have time to act on his feelings for her.
Relationships: Bellamy Blake/Clarke Griffin
Comments: 17
Kudos: 137





	no I don't want any other, don't care how much I have to suffer

**Author's Note:**

> oh, look at this! I totally got this idea from my friends, so please enjoy and leave some love in the comments! I miss my babies so much, and doesn't everyone love some sweet torture and angst? the title is inspired from the song "beautiful and brutal" by plested

It wasn't hard to follow the sunlight illuminating Clarke's hair as she walked ahead of him, and he found it difficult at times to keep up with her pacing down the street. She would look side to side at times, head peaking into small alleyways or rest areas with multiple people sitting to ask something and it made him suspicious. 

She heard her cry out in joy as she found who she was looking for, and Bellamy stilled to train his eyes on the person she was pulling into an embrace. 

It was one of the guards that worked alongside Russell and his wife, and he was shocked to see Clarke hug her tightly as if they were lost friends finally reunited. He can't hear what they say to each other, so he just settles for the worst option he could possibly think of when wanting to confront Clarke—and he jogs over to them pretending like he just found them as he was walking down the road, and asks to spend some time talking to Clarke—and what he didn't expect? For Clarke to look to Jade for guidance, like she was asking if she needed permission to talk to someone she should know. 

Jade firmly nodded, and Bellamy knew that she hoped he wouldn't see her confirmation of acceptance. 

Unfortunately, he's been taking note of every little thing that happens in this civilization. 

* * *

He leads her in the opposite direction, into a vacant space that was far away from anyone who wanted to bother them. Bellamy had been anxious to have this conversation, wishing that his gut instinct with prove him wrong and that he shouldn't pressure Clarke to tell him anything that she wants to keep to herself. 

"I didn't think you'd make friends so quickly," Bellamy rubbed the scruff of his beard, trying to keep his voice from wavering. He didn't want to raise any red flags on his suspicion, so he settled on keeping his trembling hands in his back pockets. "It's only been a few days." 

He thought he was justified to ask what he wanted first, so she would know that he didn't want to play games with her. 

"There's no harm in getting to know the people we're going to be living with," Clarke assured him, and deep inside his heart, he just knew something was _wrong_. "Aren't you a little tired of sacrficing yourself for others? I know I am."

She was too calm about befriending the woman so desperately loyal to the Primes, who would've raised a sword to Clarke's throat in an instant if she talked bad about her leaders. Bellamy longed to see the smile on Clarke's face for years now, to know she was genuinely happy with the decisions she had to make. Now that he saw a glimpse of what he wanted, he wished that her smile wasn't as daunting and hauntingly assertive as she spoke to him. 

Clarke stood by the doors, blocking his view of whoever might've been standing outside watching their conversation. Bellamy didn't need to think twice about knowing who would be looking out for her, and the curly haired protective guardsmen whose name he remembered to be Jade rang in his head. Why would Russell's guards be worried about Clarke talking to one of her friends? 

Jade barely knew anything about Clarke, and maybe he was selfish, but he didn't want a stranger listening to what accusations he had about their loyalty. 

So, he was left standing near the desk table in the middle of the office space, stuck trying to collect his racing thoughts that gave him a sudden headache. His head was pounding against his skull, as he watched Clarke carefully inch herself closer to Bellamy's frozen stature and he doesn't feel his heart begin to break and fall to his feet until she flashes him a teasing smile. It's something she's never done with him before, and although they've shared vulnerable moments that he still cherishes to this day, she was never open about her feelings for him. 

_Romantic_ feelings. And the smile that barely reached her blue eyes had made his blood run cold, because she was beginning to taunt him. 

"This isn't about us, Clarke." Bellamy wanted her to understand that he was worried about her, especially since she had been so distant these last two days. He thought that they were on a good page, on the right track to move forward _together_. It was the reason why he had been so supportive of her dancing with whoever offered to dance with her last night, because he would only watch from the sidelines and be happy for the life they would live in Sanctum. He places a hand on his hip, "I just don't think it's smart right now." 

The awkward, unwanted tension that was filling the space between them felt stiff. 

"Are you afraid of the way they keep their people alive?" Clarke asked him, tilting her head slowly to the side as she admires his features. She looked like she was in awe of everything he stood for, like she's seeing him for the very first time. "Because we shouldn't be the ones judging their customs, when we aren't much different." She clicks her tongue, twirling a piece of her blonde crimped hair with fluid hand movements. 

_Clarke doesn't do that_. 

"I judge myself everyday, and _you_ out of all people should know the amount of regret I feel for the things we've done to stay alive." Bellamy says through gritted teeth, exhaustion slowly seeping through his bones as he keeps up the fight to act like nothing was wrong. He needed to convince himself that she was _alright_ , just for another few minutes. Even, if he had to lie to himself to gain a little courage to prove his point then it would be worth it. He takes a deep breath, "I'm not an idiot, Clarke. I know I stopped you from going somewhere, so I hope you could tell me where? Since we're such good friends." 

He hoped his worst nightmare wouldn't become a reality with every ounce in his body, his heart, his soul--everything he was, the man who loved her unconditionally. 

Clarke's hand twitched at her side, and she hesitated before answering. "I was going to see my mom." 

"What for?" 

"Am I really getting interrogated right now?" Clarke said in disbelief, stepping backwards to distance herself from him. Bellamy knew immediately that she was nervous, as he observed her right hand clutching to the belt loop of her jacket as she tugged on a loose button. "I haven't seen her since the morning, and I didn't think _you_ would stop me from seeing my own mother." 

She referred to him with such spite, that if he actually believed Clarke was safe—then he would apologize and have a list of reasons as to why he would never come in the way of her happiness again. _But, he didn't believe she was safe_. Bellamy swore in the back of his mind, that if Russell had been manipulating her since the beginning to follow his orders or rituals then he wouldn't hold back from declaring war on anyone who tries to kill him. 

"I'm just trying to keep you from getting hurt," Bellamy assured, gesturing to the unknown presence of an eavesdropper with an outstretched hand. "I don't trust these people, Clarke." 

_I don't trust you right now_. It's what he really wanted to say, but he was afraid of the consequences. 

"I know you must regret leaving me behind on Earth, and _oh_ , how it must've torn you up for months," Clarke dramatically sighed, and Bellamy had gotten so caught off guard that he stumbled backwards into the table before he gripped the metal tightly. She noticed, biting her lower lip in anticipation for his reaction. The satisifaction on her face made it seem like she had won something, something that he couldn't have. "But, I did learn to live on my own and trusting someone gets easier when you don't have anybody to lean on."

She hadn't been strong enough to talk about this before, and she never acknowledged how he felt after leaving her behind when she was left alone. He wanted to blame their lack of communication over the last month (excluding the time they spent in cryosleep) for the feeling of dread in his stomach, but he couldn't stop thinking about Clarke's arms wrapped around his torso as they forgave the other of their mistakes. 

Clarke had moved on from their past, and he wasn't sure if she would bring up such a dark time for the both of them. 

"You're right, Clarke." Bellamy tells her with certainty, his voice filling the silence of the room as he strode towards her with determination. He didn't know where he got his sudden act of bravery from, but it gave him the strength he needed to move past his fear of being wrong about everything. She looks up at him with narrowed blue eyes, and after a second, he matched her sense of authority. Her warning gaze was keeping him on his toes, both of them stood tall with tense shoulders and a feeling they couldn't describe. "I only regret one thing about the way I left you behind." 

He doesn't dwell on the fact longer than he has to, the flashes of Praimfaya rush through his brain like waves against the current or an eclipse of the stars past the Earth— and he reminds himself to keep breathing steady before he lost control of his emotions. He couldn't bear to think about the possibilities that could've been, it wasn't worth the attention anymore. 

(Before, he could realize that he _already_ lost Clarke entirely)

"I'm sorry that you're still hung up on whatever it is," Clarke apologizes, although he knew that she didn't really mean a word she was saying. She was calculating her steps backwards, pulling herself away from the attraction of two hearts who haven't been able to meet. She reaches for the door, ruining the moment between them. "I can't help you with that." 

_Please, don't make me do this_.

The words slipped past his tongue before he even knew what he was saying, and it was the beginning of the ripple effect from his nightmares on the Ark during the six years. 

"Do you remember when I told you that I loved you?" Bellamy said roughly, his throat burning with tears that he couldn't show. He would wait for when he was alone, for when he didn't need to force himself to speak to the stranger in front of him. He's thought about this conversation since the first time she ran into his arms after escaping Mount Weather, because it was the first time he felt appreciated. The first time he felt like he had someone who was looking out for him, who wanted him alive. This was so much different, because he wasn't even sure if he was talking to the right person. 

Clarke stopped in her tracks, turning around with the same bright grin from earlier— the one that she never used, that made him wary of her attitude in the first place. "Of course I do, Bellamy. How could I forget losing someone I loved? It's not an easy conversation to— " 

Bellamy never let her finish that sentence, as he lurched forward to grab Clarke by the arm and slam them both against the nearest wall. He was breathing heavily, and he felt like his heart had been ripped from his chest and stomped into the ground until it turned to dust. His vision had turned blurry when he tried to find her gaze to finally get a good look at whoever he was talking to, but he cursed himself because he couldn't even see without tears in his eyes that threatened to fall. 

He held her tighter, his hand covering her mouth when she had the audacity to _laugh_ at his show of aggression. 

"What did you do to her?" Bellamy demanded, the veins in his neck popping at the urgency in his voice. He was starting to feel dizzy and the room seemed to spin in circles as he begged, "Where's _Clarke?—"_ Her name came out like a whisper, staying in denial for one more second _._ "What the hell did you do to her?"

"You were just telling me that you loved me, Bellamy." She argued with a muffled voice, struggling a little to adjust her mouth so he could hear what she had to say. 

_That damned smile again_. He felt like he was drowning under water, because he didn't want to listen to what she had to say so he lets himself focus on the way her eyes sparkled in dim light. 

Bellamy shivered, "I never got to tell you that I've loved you, so you're wrong." He shook his head in defeat, his muscles aching to release the woman that looks like Clarke because he shouldn't be doing this. He shouldn't want to hurt her, but in reality, this woman wasn't Clarke. "You're _wrong_." He repeats again, becoming more furious with how he never seemed to have time to act on his feelings for her. 

If he would've told her sooner, she would be protected if she stood by his side. 

If he didn't leave the party early last night, he would've been able to _protect_ her from whatever happened. 

The different version of Clarke reached inside her jacket, and Bellamy fully blamed himself for what happened next. 

He was too busy admiring her features that looked so similar to the Clarke he knew, and his anger had blinded him from what she had done to keep him quiet. He feels a sharp pain in his neck, a needle being pushed into his neck and she pulled the syringe away faster than Bellamy's reflex to grab her wrist to bring her down to the floor with him. 

"It's such a shame, really." The woman said, cradling the back of his neck as he fell to his knees on the cold cement. Bellamy was struggling to keep his eyes open, the voice filled with pride and triumph in defeating her one obstacle. He kept telling himself that if he was dying right then in that moment, that he wouldn't be looking into the eyes of the person he wanted to see before he took his last breath. "I actually thought you were cute, and you must have a thing for complicated women." 

"Who are you?" Those were his last words for the next few hours, as he ignores her teasing when he begins to fall asleep with the medicine spreading throughout his entire body. 

"Oh, _me_? The girl that isn't Clarke?" She had a slight accent to her voice, and that's when Bellamy knew he would need to come up with a plan to kill whoever turned Clarke into this monster, into someone he didn't recognize. The last thing he saw was the smirk growing across her lips, "I'm Josephine Lightbourne, and it's so nice to meet you." 

The last thing he tried to do was reach for her ankle as she opened the door to let Jade enter the room, to at least and try to slow her down. 

_He didn't protect Clarke_. The realization stood with him until he woke up hours later, keeping him up at night when all he could think about was the girl that was stolen from him. 


End file.
